Cancelling Cable


My love affair with the T.V. remote should tell you just about everything you’d like to know about me. Number one: I know what Tivo is—and you know what I mean if you’ve reached Tivo enlightenment. Number two: I’m referring to the remote as a romantic partner. If I can’t find my remote, you can hear me calling “Tivo? Tivo?”


You can imagine my surprise at Sunday dinner when my husband announced to my family that due to report card grades (we’re talking B pluses here!) he would be disconnecting the cable from our home.


I don’t think the kids really cared, but I was horrified. What about my late husbandless nights when I flop in my lonely bed exhausted in that eerie t.v. glow twilight? What about Desperate Housewives and Lost? Most of all what about my daily late night dose of South Park? (Which by the way are turning me atheist).


I know, I know that I can watch all of these things online, but I just love the bloop bloop of Tivo and all my favorite shows at my fingertips. I’ve memorized the buttons and I can click it in pitch dark or with my eyes closed.


I grew up in the country. I had no cable, no direct t.v. I had bunny ears. Most of the pictures came with horizontal lines and grainy black and white fuzz—that’s just how I thought t.v. was supposed to look. I suffered through years of Hogan’s Heroes and Mash when I couldn’t find I Dream of Jeanie or the Monkees on the air. I had no MTV. I am a country girl and I suffered God dammitt!



We live every summer for a month without the t.v. My kids can do it in their sleep, but I have to go to Target and buy $200.00 worth of dvds to keep my summer sanity. My husband is gone so much that I lead a lonely life without the magical world of T.V. What scary things does this say?


I’ve replaced human companionship with Tivo.


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